Breaking the Code of Silence

As a child, Tee's life and the lives of her siblings was a world of violence, trauma, and neglect. Tee, the oldest of 6 children, born to a mother who had been raised in a home of violence and alcoholism, was a focus for her mothers rage, and also witness to the abuse of her mother, and her mother's abuse of her siblings. Tee's role from a very young age was 'to save the babies', trying to intercede between her mother and her younger siblings - trying to protect them from her unpredictable rage.

"Domestic Violence was normal for us, it wasn't even called that at that time.. I saw it at my Grandparents every time I stayed there, Friday night the drinking would start as soon as Grandad got home from work, and it was practically a 72 hour marathon bender of alcohol and violence, with my Grandfather beating my Nana up, I would be woken to the sounds, the thuds of fists hitting flesh, loud angry voices, swearing and name calling, cries and grunts, furniture being moved and bodies hitting walls, and while that sounds terrible, Nana and Grandads was actually my safe haven.  Their violence was never aimed at me, whereas our mothers violence was always aimed at me.  

Our mother married a violent man, my step father, he never aimed his abuse at us, it was solely aimed at her, and he was extremely violent. She was a slight woman, and he would throw her around, she would end up with defensive bruises on her arms, black eyes, and bruises on her face. When it would start, we (children) would hide in my bedroom closet, and when we could, one of us would run for help from the neighbour, a Policeman, who would help us.  Other times, we would end up at the Police Station, and I remember one day hearing the Policeman behind the counter telling my mother 'if you just did what he told you, you wouldn't get hit', the belief at that time being that the man had the right to use force to keep his family under control, only when the force caused significant injury, did the man get taken away; or if you were lucky to have a lovely and friendly Policeman living next to you, you could get the help you needed - I will always remember his name, and will always be grateful for what he did for us children. 

While our mother may have eventually left the stepfather, we were still at the mercy of violence, her violence.  I experienced violence and neglect as a baby, my Nana saving me regularly from the abuse, taking me to live with her when she knew what was happening to me, my only loving and nurturing attachment relationship was with my Nana.  From birth, throughout my childhood and teens, I was literally 'incubated in terror'. 

Following the death of my Nana, the violence and abuse grew exponentially, I was already a hypervigilant child and this increased without surcease.  As a child I escaped by running away, or my Nana taking me to safety, or I hid in my books, but because I needed to protect the babies, I couldn't really go far. During my teens I lived in constant fear, there was never any respite from this, it didn’t matter if I was at school, or my friends, at some point, I had to go back home. My fear was not just for me, but also for my siblings, I was acutely attuned to her every move, breath, even the slightest sound from her and I was up and moving to intercept her, to jump to her bidding to try to prevent any escalation - my teenage years were hell, as was this time for my siblings.

As an adult woman, like many people who have been affected by Domestic Violence / Family Harm as children, I experienced Intimate Partner Violence, ranging from extreme abuse with threats to kill - detailed to the how, and where I was to be buried, strangulation, financial, psychological, and sexual abuse, coercive control, and entrapment.

I deal with my past by learning and growing my understanding of all the affects of childhood trauma, I know what happened to me and my siblings, I know what the lifelong impacts of my past on my health and wellbeing are, and what greatly frustrates me is the lack of recognition of childhood trauma or trauma in our health system, a system I work in.  My own experience of seeking help from a GP, having just left an 8 year abusive relationship knowing I was going to be deluged by abuse and threat via text, phone, email, I had to 'plead my case' for medication to help me to deal with my situational fear and anxiety so that I would not cave under his abuse and go back to him.  In the end she agreed to give me the medication I knew I needed, but at the same time prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic medication that is prescribed 'off label' to help me sleep, despite the fact that I was clearly NOT depressed, and it was clear that what I was dealing with was situational.  Suffice it to say - I never filled the script for the antidepressant or antipsychotic.

I had to ask myself at that time, given I had to fight to get this support from a GP in my position as a Nurse who understands the risks with medications, the uses and efficacy; how the hell does anyone who is not a Nurse or Medical Professional, and who isn't able to fight for themselves, how do they get the correct support that they need? I didn't need an SSRI and an antipsychotic, I just needed the GP to listen to me, and work with me to recognise the trauma I was dealing with, I needed something to help reduce my fear and anxiety that was due to him."

I just want to say at this time, I am very happily married, in a wonderful relationship, with a wonderful man!"

Cartoons such as Andy Capp, developed by Reg Smythe (1957) were in New Zealand newspapers through the 70's and 80's - Andy was known as the 'Wife beating drunk', his spousal abuse provided many laughs, "He knocks her out and knocks her about. The first strip in the first Andy Capp album is him saying how one of his pleasures is beating up his wife Flo'

"Violence in the home was normalised, it wasn't until I began talking with people as an adult that I began to get an idea that not everyone had the childhood I did, and that shocked me.  

There was never a time I thought to ask for help, it just wasn't something I believed could be done.  As a young woman, having just been strangled by a violent partner, once I could get up onto my feet I ran to the Police Station, it was late and the Station was closed, at that time cellphones were the big brick things and only very rich people had them, it was all landlines and phone booths.  After hours, the phone booth down the road from the station would go to 'Emergency Calls only', and I remember standing outside the Police Station, looking at the phone booth, and thinking 'I will get into trouble if I ring it, it's not an Emergency.' and I walked back to the house, to further violence. 

My siblings and I have all, in one way or other struggled with what happened to us, it is a journey we still travel today, two of my siblings, my sister and brother, both died of suicide within 6 months of each other from unresolved and unrecognised grief, fear, and trauma from our childhood.  They both were impacted by a Mental Health system that never once asked them 'what happened to them?', they were both given multiple diagnoses, multiple medication changes, their childhood trauma was never addressed, or if it was, it was never given any validity, how could it when the Psychiatric 'Bible' the DSM 5 doesn't even recognise childhood trauma?!?!? The DSM has NEVER recognised childhood trauma through any of its 5 editions, despite expert evidence that childhood trauma and its impacts is irrefutable. 

The evidence today on the life long effects of childhood trauma grows, it is robust, and if you are a person like me, who researches this evidence, you know by your own experiences over your life, how important and accurate this evidence is, and yet, and this is hypothetical; out of 100 clinicians, maybe 0.5 would have even read it, and may actually use this knowledge in their practice."